I like to think that I’ve overcome a lot of my fears by this point, but I got up to use the bathroom at 4AM and when I turned on the light, I saw an enormous beetle. I thought it was a cockroach first, which made me want to puke. But I looked it up and it was a beetle, which didn’t change anything. I couldn’t move. I could only stare at the little bastard, examining what to do about it.
I had no weapons, no shoes and there was no way I would crush it with toilet paper. The thought of the crunch of such a huge bug, even beneath layers of t.p. creeps me out to the core. I moved toward it and it ran so-fucking-fast and the sound it made as it’s hard shell slammed into objects in the bathroom! “clink, clank” shudder
I just kept picturing and feeling him crunch in my mind. Then I pictured trying to get him on to an empty toilet paper roll and saw him running up my arm. I grabbed a wand for my toilet bowl cleaner and pictured him running up THAT on to my arm.
Finally I went in for the kill and gave him a good whack. He wasn’t moving. I blew on him, still not moving. I’m freaking out at this point because I’m thinking he’s playing games and as soon as I go to get him, he’s going to run up my body and eat my soul. But I persevered and grabbed the empty toilet paper roll to scoop him up. I dumped him in the toilet bowl and he started flapping his little legs. In true INFP fashion, I felt remorse for senselessly beating and being in the pre-flush glory of mercilessly drowning one of god’s beautiful creatures. And then flush. More chills tickle my body.
30 minutes where I could have been sleeping! 30 minutes instead of 2 for any other human with a spine! WTF?!
I hope this account of the true terrors of the tiniest, most harmless things in the world can provide some entertainment this morning and show you that we can really make real fears out of ridiculous things.
Now it’s your turn! What scares the shit out of you and makes you feel like a doe in the headlights?
4 thoughts on “What’s Your Paralyzing Fear?”
I have so many fears that, when I actually stop to think about it, I realize I’m kinda pathetic. But I think my ultimate fear is having someone I love and care about betray me. I’ve never really been good at making friends and maintaining one is almost impossible since few people understand my need to simply be left alone for days at a time. I mean, sure, I get along with everyone, I’m pleasant and kind to everyone I meet but i rarely open myself up enough to form strong friendships. So, the thought that one of the few people I HAVE allowed close to me and I feel connected to should turn and betray that hard given trust is truly terrifying to me.
Just you opening up and admitting that is HUGE. I don’t think that any one would find that pathetic at all.
People are people, and because we are all so different, there are so many gaps of misunderstandings….
My brother and I share the same NFP in our personality traits, the only difference is that I have the “I” and he has the “E”… Because in so many ways we are so similar, we have had the hardest times getting along sometimes. I tend to assume that just because he is so similar, that he thinks the same way as I do, but not so.
My brother is awesome- he easily entertains people, has an extremely sharp wit, and can diffuse almost any situation easily with his easy going laugh, and charming sense of humour. Plus he LOVES the stage, the more that are the there, the more ‘electric’ that he becomes. He powers up in the presence of many, and tends to look to what others think in order to affirm or criticize his character.
As for me, I power up better alone, with music, devotions, or physically doing something- preferably out in the elements.
I perform better when there are few, and I can sing to one or two, and then pass the guitar along. Too many people is an overload… and I can’t really sing love songs on stage- it feels incredibly awkward.. unless if I can think of family or friends, and blind myself by singing to the stage lights. 😉 The upside on my part is that what others think or say won’t ultimately sway what I think of myself or others. I am easily adaptable with my life, but my beliefs are solid.
Sorry, I seem to be getting off-track here. 😛 What I am trying to say, is that even with two people who are so close, growing up in the same home, and the same values…. we still find areas in which the other seems to have just beamed down from an alien planet. If we can celebrate each other’s differences, and be sure to be tender with the areas that are easily wounded, we are an awesome team.
For me, it is extremely important to decipher between the areas that need to be changed, and then the other areas in which we are just different- and that’s totally ok.
Like you, I have always had few friends…. but I tend to feel a great responsibility toward them… at times, I feel slightly suffocated or overwhelmed with my own imagined expectations they have for me. Above all, I have always prized freedom- to think, breathe, and express myself, as well as for the other to express themselves in their own way. I have been extremely lucky to find friends in which I only contact only once a months at a time, and then ever other hour on other days. 😀
The friendships that you have, pour into a little more at a time.. especially the times in which you feel fearful. If the friendship is worth it, they will learn to be sensitive to the areas in which you truly need it, just as you do for them. They are going to be different, but that’s what made them attractive as friends in the first place, right? Because of their differences, there will definitely be times in which they may stomp all over something precious without even meaning to, or even betray… but again, BELIEVE the best!
People tend to love themselves first, and end up hurting those closest to them by looking out for #1.
Keep trying, giving, loving, and looking for the best, Rebecca! Obviously, if you choose them as friends, you have seen their amazing worth, and have found some incredible people. Allow them to see a bit more little by little, as you seek to understand them more. And biggest thing: let them know when they have hurt you. Don’t wait until that little something build into an inner tornado. If you don’t let them know early on in your friendship that certain jokes don’t appeal to you, beware of the inner ticking time bomb. 😉
Alright, I don’t even know whether you were looking for advice or not, but there I go again!
Wishing you all of the very best, Rebecca!!!! Love to you and your friendships!
Having no control over my body- mentally or physically would have to be my number one fear.
As a child I was supicious of sharks in the pool, tapeworms in my meat, and fearful of the multitude of ceramic dolls that well-meaning people gave me…
Common nightmares: The dolls stabbing me to death with toothpicks, a madness/insane virus where I discovered I was the carrier (after surviving it all, and was just about to reunite with my family), Holocaust revisited (attempting to smother younger siblings out in WWII Germany- almost like Sardines: “WHY ARE WE HIDING HERE?” pretty much shouted when we are JUST about to escape), punching ‘bad guys’ that bounced back like those freaky inflatable clown punching bags while laughing in my face and attempting to kiss me no matter how hard I punched, giving birth to a squid after eating bad mushroom soup- and trying to explain this… 😛
That said, my awesome dreams far outnumbered the nightmares- especially after gaining lucid dreaming powers.
My mother can relate on the bug factor, though they don’t bother me too much (unless it’s those hugely grotesque longhorn pine beetles, then all bets are off and I come seriously unglued).
What makes me feel like a doe in the headlights? Going out to lunch and social functions with coworkers. Yeah, I know. There are worse things… (Like, you know… horrible, ugly, chirping pine beetles.) O_o